The woman in the mirror

WARNING:  The following contains a depressing rant about BFNs and other health issues.

To those of you still reading – thanks.

When I woke up this morning, I had no intention of POAS.  Tomorrow was going to be my day.  But, as usual, I caved at 11 dpiui and tested.  BFN.  Whatever.  Although I didn’t have one ounce of hope left in me that this cycle would work, I felt “different” during this 2ww.  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but it was different.  I guess maybe that didn’t mean anything at all.

Among the fact that I can’t get pregnant, this entire ttc journey has been a complete and utter nightmare.  There are fewer and fewer days where I can actually say I feel good.  I feel like I’m falling apart.

I suffer from a pretty serious case of psoriasis.  It’s a nasty auto-immune disease that affects the skin and causes thick scaly patches that crust and bleed.  Sounds lovely, no?

I’ve been battling this condition for 10 years.  I’ve been seeing a dermatologist for that same length of time and have gone through years of treatment including steroid ointments, strong Vit A creams, cortisone shots, UV therapy (2x a week at a cost of $210/month), oral medication and finally, injectable medication.  I struggled until about 2 years ago I was started on Enbrel (an immune suppressor) and would inject myself 2x a week.  That stuff was my miracle drug.  In about 6 months, I was almost totally cleared.

Well since ttc, none of the meds I took to control my skin problem could be taken anymore.  And now, after months of being off everything, it’s back in full force.  My scalp, ears, elbows, knee, back, and even, um, “down there” are covered.  I’ve got a few new spots cropping up on my hips, face, arms and thighs that will soon grow larger.

They are painful and very embarrassing.  People look at me like I have some horrible disease  Sometimes, it feels truly debiliating.  They burn and itch and bleed.  They cause arthritis and sometimes it is painful to walk.  Most days it’s nearly impossible for me to have sex with my husband.  It is awful.  Shaving my legs in the shower looks like the shower scene from Psycho.

Not only do I have that issue, but I have more acne on my face and neck than I did with I was 14.   I’ve never had acne before, but my hormones were always controlled by birth control pills.  No more.

So every day I look in the mirror at my not pregnant, pimply, scaly self and think “I just don’t know how I’ll get through the day.”  I cry even as I write this.

My day is a struggle of constantly cleaning my hair, clothes and all objects in my vicinity of falling psoriasis scales.  And then I look in the mirror and see the face of a teenager.  I wear more makeup now to cover all my skin problems than I ever have in my life.  I hate makeup.

If I could just get fucking pregnant, it will all be worth it.  But it’s just not happening.

I NEED to get out of this damn funk.

Rant over.

Read Full Post »

Sisterhood of the traveling….

fertility necklace.  Honestly.  A couple of good friends of mine who are ttc are passing around an African fertility necklace that promises, well, to boost fertility.  So far, of the two women who’ve worn it, both are pregnant.  One of these women after having suffered through numerous painful lossses.

I’m not normally a supersticious type person, but I must say my interest is piqued.  So I Googled the necklace and discovered it looks something like a totem pole with what looks like a strangely misplaced penis.  Hmm.  Well, probably not the most attractive thing to walk around wearing but well worth it if it works.  Heck, I might even make my husband wear one.  And fill my house with mini statutes.  And maybe put a really big one on the front lawn.  Wonder if I can find that on Amazon….

Read Full Post »

P.S.

I “posted” that last post from my iPod last night but apparently I did something wrong because it didn’t actually post.  Think I got it working now.  Sorry for the cliffhanger!

Read Full Post »

Insanity defined

Ok so I’m updating from my iPhone because I’m too lazy to turn my computer on. I apologize in advance for spelling mistakes.

Up until this morning I really wasn’t thinking too much about this IUI cycle. I suppose I’ve gotten a bit numb to the process. But this morning walking onto the RE office I began to feel that nervous little twinge again.

This morning we had another borderline 5mil count sample. I won’t lie, I was disappointed. Don’t they say the definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different result? So it’s official. I’ve lost my mind. I don’t know why but every time the doc hands over that paper I expect that some miracle will happen and those numbers will skyrocket. I am still waiting.

So we joined our 5mil little sperm with my one measley egg and hope and pray this is the one. I do return for another IUI tomorrow, but I’m told it’s the first one that is most important. So here again I embark on yet another 2ww.

We are also beginning to talk about our next steps should this fail. Another partially covered IUI with injectibles? Or the uncovered, expensive IVF with a much higher success rate?

Well that’s a story for another post…

Read Full Post »

Back on the train…again

Ok so my last post was about how lovely the weather was here in CT a couple weeks ago…well, last week was probably the worst weather I’ve ever seen.  Let me give you an idea:

For four days, it rained.  And winds of 70 miles an hour tore off roofs, fences and caused massive amounts of destruction as trees were ripped from their roots and toppled houses, cars and well, anything else in their paths.  I myself was without power for 4 days but many more waited a week for power to return.  Schools were closed all last week.  Thankfully, the damage to our property was minimal.  A couple of lost roof tile, parts of a fence and some tree limbs.  No one was hurt, thank goodness.  But I am sure am glad that life is finally getting back to normal.

In other news, I saw Dr. RE this morning and it looks like my follies are growing quite well, but they’re not ready yet.  I had a couple 14s and 15s.  The doc thinks we’ll have 3 mature in a couple of days.  So I return on Wednesday for another check and hopefully, we’ll get a shot at IUI #3 later this week!!

Read Full Post »

Spring is almost here!! :)

The weather here in Connecticut the last couple of days has been absolutely gorgeous!  Dare I say almost spring-like.  I ventured out at lunch today and took a stroll to lovely Cove Beach in Stamford.  Here’s a pic from my Blackberry (yes, I did bring this on  my relaxing walk at the beach):

There’s no better feeling than getting outside on that first really nice day as spring approaches.  I would liken it to Kathryn Bigelow’s shock and elation at winning Best Director at this year’s Oscars.   After such a long and rough winter, the shock and excitement at the promise of nicer days is unexplainable.

I imagine that someday, when I finally get that positive pregnancy test, it will feel something like this.  Except way way better.

Happy almost-spring everyone!

Read Full Post »

I’m no good at math…but puh-lease!!!

4 + 7,000,000 + 5,500,000 = zero

I’m sure all of my school math teachers would give me a failing grade on that one.  But that my friends, is real-life math.

All of those wonderful numbers and it still means no baby for me.  That dreadful bitch AF showed up on Friday – right at the tail-end of my almost perfect vacation.  I was really devastated with the first BFN – but this one hurts just as bad, but in a different way.  There were no days of crying.  This is more days of silent depression.  Exhaustion.  Disbelief.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more down.  I’m usually really good at getting over things quickly and moving on.  But I just can’t shake it this time.

I went back to my RE yesterday and discovered I have two large ovarian cysts brought on by my last cycle.  So now I have to wait at least another 2 weeks before even thinking about starting another IUI cycle.  I’m back on birth control for now.  Didn’t think I would see those pills for a while.

I’m hoping and  praying that will clear things up and we can take another shot at IUI at the end of this month.  That feels like an eternity away right now.  I barely feel able to drag myself out of bed to go to work in the  morning.  I just can’t even see a light at the end of the tunnel right now.  I know it’s there somewhere, but I’m just not feeling it.

The RE suggested another Femara IUI and then an injectible cycle if that one fails.  We also plan to have an IVF consult after my next IUI.  That’s an option I don’t look forward to – and one I can’t afford.  I hope it doesn’t come to that.

Read Full Post »

7dpiui and going nutty!!

Why do we have to wait 2 weeks?  Honestly.  With all the technology around.  Can they just take a camera and look in there or do SOMETHING?  Geez.  I’m not a very patient personally generally, but I feel like I’ve paid my dues already.  We’ve been trying for so long.  When is it going to be my turn? *whine*

Ok I’m done.

Maybe that’s the hormones talking, but I sure wish they would stop.  I also dealing with a mild case of OHSS – Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome – and I can tell you it’s not too pleasant.  Cramping, aching, bloating, and feeling generally pretty nasty.

I really hope that once my butt is settled into my comfy Florida-bound JetBlue seat on Saturday, that my mind will be distracted and I can stop thinking about whether or not I’m pregnant.  The first IUI BFN was hard and I don’t think this one (if that happens), will feel quite as bad, but I still dread it.  4 follicles and good sperm counts.  Our best chance yet, and maybe ever.

Other than that, I’ve got the usual “I could be pregnant” or “I’m about to get my period” symptoms.  Sore boobs (which are actually itchy too – weird) and some occasional cramping.  The cramping could be related to the OHSS, but I don’t think so – they feel different.  Every so once and a while, for a very quick second, I feel an AF-like cramp.  But it’s so quick, I don’t have time to concentrate on it.  Anyway, like everything else, it  could mean anything.

I’m really looking forward to vacation tomorrow.  The hubs and I can really use some relaxation.  I’ll try and post at least once while I’m away – hopefully with news of a BFP 🙂

Read Full Post »

IUI#2…and into the 2ww

Ok, I know I’m a little late posting.  I’m sure you’ve all been waiting with bated breath.  NOT!  Ok, anyway, so this time around went much better for my DH.  Part 1 of our IUI, we had 7 mil motile and part 2, 5.5 mil.  So all in all, I feel pretty good about it.

So I’m 4dpiui today and I’m feeling this weird cramp/twing thingy on my right side.  I know it’s too early for anything and I haven’t even googled what it could be.  But it certainly does make a gal wonder.

This IUI feels so much different than the last.  I’m not nearly as excited.  Or nervous.  I just am here…waiting.  DH, me and my mom are leaving for sunny Florida on Saturday to visit my darling grandma.  That has been a pretty good distraction I guess too.  I started washing summer clothes and packing a little this weekend.  So the second half of my 2ww will be spent on the beach!!

That begs the question – bring pregnancy tests on the trip with me or not??

Silly.  Like I don’t already know what I’m going to do.  Definitely bringing some.  If my LP is the same as last month, I should get AF on 2/26.  That will be exactly 14 days from my first IUI.  I’m going to try and hold out until then to test.  Hopefully, I’m busy enough that I won’t be thinking about it before then.

Read Full Post »

Uhhhh triplets?

So I had my u/s this morning after my first round of Femara.  Despite the week-long headache, the side effects really weren’t too bad.  I actually was starting to think maybe it wasn’t working because I wasn’t feeling anything. 

Boy was I wrong.

The RE saw4 follicles, a couple at 18mm and a couple at 17mm.  Well I was feeling pretty good about that.  Until the RE sat down and let out a long sigh while looking at my chart.  She said well, you have 4, and I have to tell you that there’s a possibility of triplets.  She warned me the hazards and dangers for both the mother and children in higher order births.  Then she asked how I felt about selective reduction should I become pregnant with multiples.  She was looking for answer to that question right then and there.  All I could think was WOAH, slow down lady.  Shouldn’t I be happy there’s a couple in there?  This lady scared the crap out of me.  She really wanted me to cancel my cycle, though she wouldn’t come right out and say it.

But I decided to go ahead anyway.  I don’t know what is going to happen, but I figure the chances of twins or triplets is still pretty small.  Luckily, my wonderful nurse talked with me after the doc left and said she thought I made the right decision – and it was just something the doc had to warn me about.

Of course, now it’s all I can think about.  And it’s something else to worry about.

In the meantime, I’m scheduled for my IUIs tomorrow and Saturday mornings!!  My current worry (gosh there’s a lot of them, isn’t there?) is what our numbers will be this weekend.  Last time at 1mil and 14 mi, they weren’t so hot.  I really hope we far surpass that this time.  Especially for the first IUI – I think that’s kinda the more critical one.

Wish me luck!

Read Full Post »