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Archive for January, 2010

Ok, so I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I guess I was afraid to even talk about how I was feeling for fear that I would start over analyzing everything to the point of insanity.  I’m pretty close to that anyway during this 2ww: is that a twinge?  hmm, I’m bloated, is that a sign? my boobs are sore, does that mean something?  I’m so hyper-aware of my body, it drives me crazy.  Logically I know it’s too early for pregnancy symptoms and I know everyone is different and I know there is no way to tell at this point.  But somehow that doesn’t stop me.

So I awoke this morning and had to pee soooooo bad, I had to get up a little earlier than I normally do.  I immediately grabbed a test kit I had under the sink.  By the time my more rational self was awake, it was too late – I was already putting little drops of pee onto the test stick.  Then there was nothing to do but wait.  I knew I was going to hate myself for doing it.

Negative.

Negative. Negative.

So one thing I guess I do know is that the trigger shot is out of my system.  I’m 10DPIUI today.  I know it’s early to get a positive, but now I’m bummed.  I really feel like it didn’t work.  I just want to cry.  But I can’t yet.  I think a part of me still has a little hope, though it’s hard to find that piece of me.  And that hope scares me.  I don’t want to be let down.  I’m not good with failure.

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Whew!

IUI #1 is looking very promising!!  We had a total of 14 mil swimmers post-wash!  Unbelievable.  I never expected the number to change so drastically in one day.  I’m still not quite sure how that happens.  But however it did, I am grateful.  They generally look for a minimum of 10mil as the benchmark for “successful” IUIs.  Of course, you can get pregnant with much lower numbers, but your chances go down drastically, particularly under the 5mil mark. 

When the doc came into the exam room with his results, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of our backs.  So many scenarios were running through my head.  But now, I feel so much  better about our chances this cycle!

So I’m officially in the two week wait.  This is probably going to be the longest two weeks of my life.  But I’m glad I’m in it.

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The MFI roller coaster

Yesterday I had my RE appointment and was so thrilled to find I had two 26mm follicles and one 16mm!!!  Three great, healthy follicles ready for some swimmers!!!  I was so happy and ecstatic to move onto our first IUI.  So we were scheduled for IUI the following two days.  I was given an Ovidrel shot in the office to induce ovulation, and we’re on our way!!

I called the hubs to give him the great news!   We were both elated!

This morning my husband arrived an hour and half before our scheduled IUI for his…ahem…sample dropoff.  We arrived together at the clinic at 9:30 this morning full of anxiety and hope.

Imagine our devastation when the doc walked in to inform us that my husband’s count post-wash was 1.5million.  That number still shocks me.  His first SA was 5mil and the second was 18mil, making us candidates for IUI.  His pre-wash number this time was 7.9.  They normally look for at least 5mil post-wash for IUI with 10 and up being ideal and considered the cost-effectiveness threshold.  We’re far from even those lowest of those numbers.

I felt like someone just hit me over the head.  I had gone through so much these past couple of cycles to get to this point and now another bomb.  I know my husband felt terrible about it and I tried my best to make him feel better but I know he could see the disappointment on my face. 

The bills are now starting to roll in too.  This week I received a bill for $30 for my u/s, multiple bills for bloodwork and a $300 bill for my HSG.  I thought our insurance was covering all of this stuff, but now it seems we at least owe a portion.  I can’t even tell you how many ultrasounds I’ve had.  At $30 a pop, this is going to add up fast.  That, and if we have to move to IVF (not covered by insurance), I don’t know how we will get by.

Even though our chances are slim, I really hope this IUI works.  I don’t know where we would go from here.

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Helloooo fatty!!

Size 7.  That is what I’m currently wearing.  Now something to keep in mind about me – in my pre-TTC days I was an exercise-aholic.  I worked out 4-5 days a week (at the gym at 4:30 a.m. mind you) and was in tip top shape.  I ate really healthy – except for my admitted weakness for cake.  Seriously, I was ripped.  That might have been partly because of the excess-androgens hormone problem I didn’t know I had.  I wore a size 3 and felt great.

Now I’m on fertility meds and can barely get my fat ass into a size 7.  Now I know, I probably still don’t have much to complain about, but this is totally out of my personal comfort zone.  I feel like a round, doughy, cranky version of my former self.  I don’t know if I can really blame the Clomid for this – after all, it’s only been a month – but hell, I’m going to anyway.  I suppose all the chocolate I’m eating doesn’t help either (a craving I seem to have developed since Clomid).  My darling hubby still tells me I look great and that maybe I’m just retaining water (he must be reading my fertility books 🙂

Now I neither have the time, nor the desire to hit the gym.  That and my RE suggested I east back on the exercise routine and stick to walking.  Walking??  I know it’s great exercise, but there’s no way I’m going to drag myself to the gym just to walk.  And walking in 10 degree weather isn’t appealing either.  Maybe once the weather starts getting warmer, I’ll be able to go outside and get some walking type exercise.

Until then, here I’ll sit, wedged into my size 7s.

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Seriously.  I really need another one.  Two is not nearly enough for all of this blood work.  I had all the nurses cracking up at my RE’s office this morning when I asked them that.  Yeah, it was funny, but I was only half kidding.  I’m finding the humor helps me avoid going postal during the repeated violation of my body.

I had 20 follicles today on the right and about 12 or so on the left.  All still pretty small.  The biggest any has gotten to this point was about 14-15mm.  Not too promising.  So Clomid 50mg is no good.  According to doc, the Clomid made me produce more follicles, but my brain didn’t get the message to make ’em grow.  Come on hormones, get it together!  I thought for sure since I’m not ovulating they would induce AF and get me on to my next cycle.  Not so.  He prescribed a double dose (100mg) of Clomid that I’m starting TONIGHT – on CD16!!  Seems totally crazy to me.  I’ve never heard of two cycles in one month.  But I have faith he knows what he’s doing.  He  said he promises he will get me to ovulate.  How romantic!

So, double dose of hot flashes – here I come!

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Clomid sucks

I find myself developing a love/hate relationship with my RE.  It’s a great clinic.  Really it is.  They are organized, communicative and really nice people.  And I think they know what they are doing.  But they are putting me through hell.

Thank goodness I’m in a cold climate because from the looks of my arms you would think I was a drug addict.  Covered in bruises and needle holes.  I’ve been hitting the RE’s office every other day for the last week or so for ultrasound (another lovely violation of my body) and bloodwork.

Oh and Clomid sucks.  It gives me the worst hot flashes you cannot possibly imagine.  And turns me into an emotional mess.  And now I find out it may not even be working.

So yesterday I was on CD 14 and was at my second appt with the RE after my first round of Clomid.  On Saturday I had some promising looking follicles but by Monday they had not grown – only a couple at 13, max.  But it looks like my estrogen level went up from 99.9 to 109 over 2 days.  Not earth-shattering if you ask me, but they want me back for more violation on Wednesday.  I feel I’m on the verge of losing my mind.  One more poke and prod and I just might lose my temper on someone.  Trying to stay calm.  WHOOOSAAA

I’m not hopeful we’ll get a chance to do IUI this month but I’m holding out for a miracle.

On the plus side, I met a pretty famous wrestler at my clinic Monday.  Sad, but that was the bright spot of my day.

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