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Archive for April, 2010

6 weeks!!

Milestone #1.  I can’t believe it.  Honestly.  It’s still shocking to me that I’m actually pregnant.  I still feel like I’m waiting for my period to start any day now.

So today is our first ultrasound.  I am so excited and nervous!!  I hope we get wonderful news and I’d love to be able to hear a heartbeat today.

So far, I’m feeling pretty good.  Sea-bands are my lifesaver.  I’m feeling sorta generally nauseous for a good portion of the day, though it gets a little worse at night.  But all in all, I really can’t complain.  I do have some cramping that seems to be getting more frequent.  That can be a little scary.  But no blood = no problems I guess.

Wish me luck today!!  I can’t wait to post my first u/s pics later! 🙂

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Hellloooo Exhaustion

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a while.  Quite honestly, it seems I can’t find the energy to post anything.  The last couple of days have hit me like a ton of bricks.  I’d always heard of course that fatigue is one of the early symptoms of pregnancy but that warning just doesn’t quite cut it.

It feels more like an extended hangover.  You know that foggy, exhausted, slightly dizzy feeling after spending a liiittle too much time out the night before.  That’s what it’s like.  Except it doesn’t go away.  And sleeping doesn’t help.

Yesterday I thought I might fall asleep on my keyboard in the middle of my workday.  I decided to go for a long walk at lunch to try and wake myself up.  No good.  The day before I slept in my car during lunch.  No good.

So last night I went to bed around 8:30.  Something I haven’t done since I was about, oh, 8 years old.  I’m always real stubborn about bedtime.  I don’t know why, but I always want to stay up later than I know I should.  But last night I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.

I’m feeling a little better today.  This whole pregnancy thing is pretty damn scary.  Some days I feel crappy (which is good) and some days I feel great (which is bad).  Let me ‘splain.

This morning during one of my routine boob-pain checks, I noticed they didn’t hurt quite so bad.  I could even lay on my tummy without pain.  No cramps.  No nausea.  No food aversions.  That’s when panic set in.  Am I still pregnant?  Is something happening?  Of course, I quickly run to the bathroom to check for blood.  Nope nothing.  Don’t even feel pregnant.  But no blood is good, right?

I just hope and pray that next Friday at my first u/s, I see our little snowflake for the first time.  And maybe even hear his/her little heart fluttering away.  Little bean, I love you!!  Hang in there!!

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Second beta 207!!

Woot woot!  In just about 36 hours, my beta went from 67 to 207.  Estrogen and all other levels are good.  I have to continue taking Estrace until I’m about 8 weeks according to the RE (God willing I make it to that point).

I still don’t feel as if I’ve celebrated yet.  My DH and I haven’t hugged and cried and stared at my belly in disbelief.  I still feel scared.  I did have  a small revelation this morning though.  I have now officially missed my period.  I should have gotten it yesterday.  But it didn’t come.  Despite the beta numbers, I still half expected AF to show.  I guess I’ll have to save the ginormous box of tampons I just bought from Costco.

Despite my uncertainty, we are telling my mom the news at dinner tonight.  I’ve relied on her so much for support during our ttc struggles and she pretty much knows where we are in the process.  She’s been calling me twice a day for the last couple days for any “news.”  Tonight she will get some.

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First beta!

Well I got my first beta results yesterday and the number was 67!!  The nurse said anything over 50 at this stage of the game was good.  That blood was taken at 12 days post-IUI.  AF is actually due today.  But there’s no sign of her, though I’ll be keeping a lookout all day.

I went in for more blood work this morning and should have that beta number some time today.  I’m praying it doubles.  So far, I just feel like I’m in limbo.  It’s like there’s this crazy intense excitement somewhere within me, but it’s all caged up.  I can feel it so close to the surface, but I can’t let it out just yet.

I feel like any minute I might wake up from this dream.  Or it may be taken from me.  I’ve gone over every possibility in my head of what could go wrong.  I’m not sure when I’ll feel like I’m out of the woods.  But I hope as each day passes, it will become more real.  At some point, I want to enjoy this!  I can’t wait until that day comes.

Beta#2 to follow….

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I woke up this morning thinking maybe yesterday didn’t happen at all.  Maybe I dreamed about a BFP.  The first thing I did this morning was look at those tests again and check this blog.  To confirm it was all real.  I took another test this morning and the line is still there, and maybe even a little darker.  It is so surreal.  So many emotions right now.

The strangest one has to be a feeling of guilt.  Yes.  Guilt.  I know it sounds a little strange but it feels like all of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, I’ve been catapulted over a huge wall.  From ttc to…well, I can’t even say it yet.  I know all too well the struggles of ttc.  I’m well of aware of those friends who are still ttc and those who are going through so much more to create the miracle of life.  I know the pain of hearing yet another person you know is pregnant.  And that feeling sucks.  And now, I may be causing that pain for some of my dear friends.  I don’t like it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful for where I’m at, but I can’t forget what I’ve been through and what so many of you are still going through.

After posting yesterday I was acutely aware that although I’m sure you may be truly happy for me, that it hurts too.  I will not sit here on a soap box and tell you it will happen to you someday.  I will not shout from the rooftops.

But I will be here, and will slowly get used to the idea that I may be on the other side of the wall.  I hope that you will all join me for the ride.  And know that you are all in my thoughts.

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Today was our IVF consult with our RE.  The consult was extremely informative and went really well.  Doc RE explained everything clearly and even had powerpoint slides and illustrations.  He answered all of our questions and took his time with us.  He did think that it might be worth it to give IUI with injectables a try before moving to IVF.  Since our insurance doesn’t cover IVF, that would be our most economical option at this point.

However, before leaving for our appointment my DH asked if I would just POAS just to see.  Well, I had a taken one yesterday and it was a BFN so I wasn’t inclined to oblige.  But he asked again about 5 minutes before we had to leave.  And just to appease, I did.  Imagine my shock when I saw this: 

BFP!

Yep, that would be second line.  That’s the first time I’ve seen one, well, ever.  Even after seeing it, I still didn’t believe it. 

But we went to our IVF appointment and still discussed all our options – just in case.  When I told RE about the test, he immediately wanted to do another urine test, but I needed to fill up first.  So during our consult, I loaded up on water and away I went.  The sample looked the same way coming out as it did going in.  After a few minutes of waiting for the results, the doc announced it was negative.

He took some bloodwork too which I’ll have the numbers on tomorrow.  He did say they could do a quick “cheat” test with it and use it almost as a urine test by spinning the sample.  He would call me in 15 minutes with that result.  I wasn’t expecting much.

Just as I’m getting in the car following our appt, the doc comes running across the street to meet us and says “you may want to hold onto this.”  It was the urine test.  And it was positive. With my diluted pee.

Another BFP??

I got a call about the initial bloodwork and that looked positive too!

The only concern is it may all be positive because of my trigger shot.  I do know from last cycle it was out of my system by 9dpiui.  Now I’m 12dpiui (but the doc said I was “plus 13” so they must count from the day of the trigger).

I go back for another beta on Thursday.

I want to be happy, but honestly, I really don’t believe it yet.  I’m not sure when exactly that will happen (if it happens).

Bean, if you really exist (and I truly hope you do), please STAY PUT!

So remember when I said I thought this cycle was “different?”  Well, I guess it is. 🙂

Update on beta to follow tomorrow….

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The woman in the mirror

WARNING:  The following contains a depressing rant about BFNs and other health issues.

To those of you still reading – thanks.

When I woke up this morning, I had no intention of POAS.  Tomorrow was going to be my day.  But, as usual, I caved at 11 dpiui and tested.  BFN.  Whatever.  Although I didn’t have one ounce of hope left in me that this cycle would work, I felt “different” during this 2ww.  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but it was different.  I guess maybe that didn’t mean anything at all.

Among the fact that I can’t get pregnant, this entire ttc journey has been a complete and utter nightmare.  There are fewer and fewer days where I can actually say I feel good.  I feel like I’m falling apart.

I suffer from a pretty serious case of psoriasis.  It’s a nasty auto-immune disease that affects the skin and causes thick scaly patches that crust and bleed.  Sounds lovely, no?

I’ve been battling this condition for 10 years.  I’ve been seeing a dermatologist for that same length of time and have gone through years of treatment including steroid ointments, strong Vit A creams, cortisone shots, UV therapy (2x a week at a cost of $210/month), oral medication and finally, injectable medication.  I struggled until about 2 years ago I was started on Enbrel (an immune suppressor) and would inject myself 2x a week.  That stuff was my miracle drug.  In about 6 months, I was almost totally cleared.

Well since ttc, none of the meds I took to control my skin problem could be taken anymore.  And now, after months of being off everything, it’s back in full force.  My scalp, ears, elbows, knee, back, and even, um, “down there” are covered.  I’ve got a few new spots cropping up on my hips, face, arms and thighs that will soon grow larger.

They are painful and very embarrassing.  People look at me like I have some horrible disease  Sometimes, it feels truly debiliating.  They burn and itch and bleed.  They cause arthritis and sometimes it is painful to walk.  Most days it’s nearly impossible for me to have sex with my husband.  It is awful.  Shaving my legs in the shower looks like the shower scene from Psycho.

Not only do I have that issue, but I have more acne on my face and neck than I did with I was 14.   I’ve never had acne before, but my hormones were always controlled by birth control pills.  No more.

So every day I look in the mirror at my not pregnant, pimply, scaly self and think “I just don’t know how I’ll get through the day.”  I cry even as I write this.

My day is a struggle of constantly cleaning my hair, clothes and all objects in my vicinity of falling psoriasis scales.  And then I look in the mirror and see the face of a teenager.  I wear more makeup now to cover all my skin problems than I ever have in my life.  I hate makeup.

If I could just get fucking pregnant, it will all be worth it.  But it’s just not happening.

I NEED to get out of this damn funk.

Rant over.

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