WARNING: The following contains a depressing rant about BFNs and other health issues.
To those of you still reading – thanks.
When I woke up this morning, I had no intention of POAS. Tomorrow was going to be my day. But, as usual, I caved at 11 dpiui and tested. BFN. Whatever. Although I didn’t have one ounce of hope left in me that this cycle would work, I felt “different” during this 2ww. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but it was different. I guess maybe that didn’t mean anything at all.
Among the fact that I can’t get pregnant, this entire ttc journey has been a complete and utter nightmare. There are fewer and fewer days where I can actually say I feel good. I feel like I’m falling apart.
I suffer from a pretty serious case of psoriasis. It’s a nasty auto-immune disease that affects the skin and causes thick scaly patches that crust and bleed. Sounds lovely, no?
I’ve been battling this condition for 10 years. I’ve been seeing a dermatologist for that same length of time and have gone through years of treatment including steroid ointments, strong Vit A creams, cortisone shots, UV therapy (2x a week at a cost of $210/month), oral medication and finally, injectable medication. I struggled until about 2 years ago I was started on Enbrel (an immune suppressor) and would inject myself 2x a week. That stuff was my miracle drug. In about 6 months, I was almost totally cleared.
Well since ttc, none of the meds I took to control my skin problem could be taken anymore. And now, after months of being off everything, it’s back in full force. My scalp, ears, elbows, knee, back, and even, um, “down there” are covered. I’ve got a few new spots cropping up on my hips, face, arms and thighs that will soon grow larger.
They are painful and very embarrassing. People look at me like I have some horrible disease Sometimes, it feels truly debiliating. They burn and itch and bleed. They cause arthritis and sometimes it is painful to walk. Most days it’s nearly impossible for me to have sex with my husband. It is awful. Shaving my legs in the shower looks like the shower scene from Psycho.
Not only do I have that issue, but I have more acne on my face and neck than I did with I was 14. I’ve never had acne before, but my hormones were always controlled by birth control pills. No more.
So every day I look in the mirror at my not pregnant, pimply, scaly self and think “I just don’t know how I’ll get through the day.” I cry even as I write this.
My day is a struggle of constantly cleaning my hair, clothes and all objects in my vicinity of falling psoriasis scales. And then I look in the mirror and see the face of a teenager. I wear more makeup now to cover all my skin problems than I ever have in my life. I hate makeup.
If I could just get fucking pregnant, it will all be worth it. But it’s just not happening.
I NEED to get out of this damn funk.
Read Full Post »